Out and Equal 2014
Sitting in the Hummingbird Garden behind the Mark Twain Hotel in San Francisco after attending the 2014 Out and Equal Confrence, reflecting on the workshops and experiences of the week.
This year the conference broke their attendance record with over 3000 LGBTQIA professionals attending from over 28 countries. Last night at City Hall the San Francisco Mayor declared November 5th as Out and Equal Day in San Francisco. It was a beautiful event alive with the energetic buzz of the best and brightest professional talent blazing the trails of workplace equality and in turn making our world a place where people can thrive regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identification.
Gay Is Changing for the Better?
As I walked the beautiful City Hall and did a bit of people watching I could not help but notice the diversity present amongst the Gay men in particular, and more specifically the attitudes and energy. There is a genuine shift taking place, one where younger gay men really are beginning to carry themselves as though being gay was neither a struggle nor a challenge. Part of me feels so happy about this. I am 35 years old and still remember learning what I could about what it meant to be gay through films, often portraying tragic stories of persecution and struggles to find love.
http://m.totalfilm.com/features/50-best-gay-movies#next
I'm from that last generation of gay men before Will & Grace, before smart phones, when gay guys self medicated to put their guilt and shame on hold long enough to stumble through fleeting connections in gay bars - trying not to hurt one another, desperate to belong, to be loved ... and of course to get laid.
Now a days gay men can take a monthly pill to prevent HIV, connect through location based apps, get married and be their fabulous selves in just about every major city in the US. I can actually say that being Gay has helped advance my career, and I work for a 200 year old financial services company. It's all so beautiful!
Was chatting with a new friend Tim Bennett, Focus Group Radio, about the significant and empowering shift taking place and how it's dramatically impacting the way companies even market to gay men over the age of 35 vs younger. "Younger gays just don't have to deal with the same struggles." - said Tim.
Last night I chatted about this topic with my friend Ron Puccini, TD Bank Canada, and this topic came up again. We wondered if this new era of empowerment would breed entitlement or if the younger generation of gay men would actively look for the next group of oppressed people and pay what they've been given forward?
Someone at the Confrence this week loosely joked that LGBTQIA was becoming an "alphabet soup", asking "when will it end?"
I found this to be an interesting question.
Authenticity is the New Black
One of the primary buzz words of the day is Authenticity!
For many younger gay men, authenticity is beginning to mean "shine without permission" and for many other gay men authenticity still means "limit your shine out of self preservation".
Gay men within these various camps speak different languages and struggle with very different things. One 24 year old gay friend of mine is very concerned about having the right shoes for a coming event and another 41 year old gay friend is wondering why groups of gay men still give him so much anxiety.
To be authentic is to be yourself, in all situations.
To me that means the Gay community should honor our most fabulous and oppressed expressions and everything in between as a reflection of who we are.
Someone recently asked me - "what if all emotions are equal and the only reason we don't see this is because someone somewhere said certain ones are better than others?"
I loved this question because it means that those carrying the shameful Gay journey simply handed the bouton to those carrying the empowered Gay journey - and yet the journey would not exist without both and having both may have been necessary.
Look at what has been achieved in my lifetime alone! Perhaps the suffering and oppression gave way to epic and unstoppable super powers in enough people to actually disrupt and change the global LGBTQIA status quo.
My good friend Greg Arthur in South Africa is a gay man advocating for stigma neutrality. I adore what he stands for and feel this is very important as we pass the gay bouton along from generation to generation. HIV is part of our collective journey, along with lost employment, incarceration, bullying, persecution, murder, fabulous cloths, beautiful bodies, manscaping, riots, promiscuity & marriage, achievement & suicide, art & business, self expression & quiet introversion, etc. No one flavor of being gay has a patent on what it means to be gay and to explore what it means to be gay is liken to exploring the world's floral varieties. Various flowers come into favor or are preferred in different situations for different reasons. No one flower trumps them all.
We are human first!
All LGBTQIA individuals are human. That means we all have very similar needs. This "alphabet soup" is simply an example of how incredibly different human beings can be when it comes to meeting their needs. No one letter or emotion associated with the journey stands out as better or worse to me, including those within this soup feeling like they are better or worse than others. It's all an expression of the ride.
I have decided to honor the whole LQBTQIA kit and caboodle ... and to allow what that teaches me to expand my ability to understand the kit and caboodle of groups outside of the LGBTQIA community.
So to the question "when will it end?", my answer is an enthusiastic "NEVER"!
Equality Begins Within
Another common theme amongst gay men in particular is a request that we be kinder to one another. As we gain more and more power in the world we now face challenges associated with power and prestige and the pursuit of both as individuals. It will be the younger and more "entitled" gays likely to carry this next bouton. There's a feeling amongst people I talk to that gay is "norming" within our own community to form a status quo and it's one that seems to be driven by achievement and status and in a way that could divide us.
The LGBTQIA journey has been one of understanding, accepting and trying to coexisting amongst one another followed by then asserting that equal coexistence to the world at large. Let us not forget that it started on our insides as we struggled with understanding ourselves and all of our emotions - allowing those to equally coexist first. Then we had the audacity to feel equal to others and assert it. I hope we don't loose that!
To me, being gay is to feel guilt, shame, success, attraction, desire, fabulous, glamorous, suppressed, empowered, angry, liberated, compassionate, judgmental, unhealthy, worthy, beautiful, dirty, scandalous, strong, brilliant, rebellious, entitled, loved, hated, spiritual, misunderstood, proud and many many other very human feelings.
These represent a personal alphabet soup and they all have had their place as they continue to pass the bouton to one another along my journey. It's in honoring each that I am able to be authentic and to embrace the authenticity of others. This is the magic of being gay and our gift to the world. Equality is not about eliminating these feelings for the generations to come - or making one of them better or worse than another. Equality is about ensuring each is equal and in balance. That is why Pride is important because Pride was once overpowered by shame and needed reclamation within us.
Balancing Our Human Nature
In a world where humans are all equal, the complete kaleidoscope of human emotion has it's place to be felt and expressed with authenticity. It's about having that balance within, respective to all of who we are.
To me that is not about being happy or sad or positive or negative - it's about taking a closer look inside and feeling all of my emotions working together and in balance with one another, recalibrating as the world changes around me.
How can we create a world where all humans can do that successfully?
I don't know the answer but I do know there is a lot within the LGBTQIA journey that can be leveraged and learned in pursuit of it. I hope those who receive the bouton next understand the opportunity they have.
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