We are meant to continuously expand.
When people project their own fear of expanding onto you, it may come across as criticism, judgement or even rules - often imposed with a demeaning or condescending tone. Situations like this usually include one person using the words "you" or "your" instead of "I" or "my".
Where does this come from? Many will argue that it comes from underlying feelings of not being good enough but I don't always agree.
I think the root cause is our goal oriented culture. From the very beginning of life we are indoctrinated with the belief that expansion does not happen unless it is quantified and a specific target is achieved that is recognizable by others as a measure of success.
When a toddler begins to crawl and ultimately walk they are not motivated by a desire to walk, they are motivated by a desire to expand - to be themselves. It is the adults in the room cheering in response to a first step who add significance to that moment. It's not really about the baby - it's about them. The baby is simply enjoying the process of expanding. We continue on to add meaning to the first hair cut, grades in school, drivers licenses, college degree, marriage, financial gain and business outcomes. Everything is being measured by standards outside of ourselves and in ways that are recognizable achievements by others.
This is a huge flaw in our system and a reflection of a society measuring in ways that make sense to primarily to the brain.
There is a radically different experience and intention happening within a person is marrying for love vs. marrying for accomplishment (which I'm not saying either of these is right or wrong by the way).
I'll never forget the moment a man told me he loved me in Tuscany. This was not the goal. Neither of us planned on it happening or even knew we would have ended up there. It was the result of a unique practice and process of opening up on both our parts. We were surprised by the outcome!
As it turns out, surprise is key!
Be your own observer.
When you hit an internal measure of expansion, your reaction is not humble - it is outright visceral. I don't know of anybody who's ever had amazing mind-blowing sex and said "I am so humbled by this opportunity and I'd like to thank my fans". No way - it's a skipping that last for days and suddenly everyone around is asking you why you look so happy.
You'll know you've hit an important personal expansion when you find yourself saying "I didn't know I could feel that way".
This is because the outcome, or shall I call it "income", is a result of a personal process, a discipline or a focus that you've put energy into for a period of time & completely lose yourself to it.
An artist may have this relationship with their art or a student this relationship with learning about a topic they love. The art piece selling for $5000 or the A+ on the test is the delightful outcome of a process they both were already enjoying. If this is happening, it is expansion. If the goal is to sell a piece for $5000 or get an A+ on a paper and the steps being taken to get there are not enjoyable, then the effort could be limiting.
There is an easy way to tell if someone is not connected to their purpose actually, and we see it all the time! It's what I call the "numb humble" or "aggressive graceful" acceptance of an award or outcome.
Go back to that baby. If left to their own space of expansion, the whole curious process of reaching up, pulling one's self up and walking is exciting. Then once up on their feet, and to their surprise, they spy a crayon sitting on the table and they grab it. The excitement and the joy in their face at this point is pure bliss - there is nothing humble about it. Expansion is not humble - it is emotional and endlessly leaving you in a state of wonder about the world.
If I had a baby old enough to begin walking, I'd intentionally leave all kinds of things to discover at standing eye level and I'd sit back and watch their natural process of crawling, walking and then the joy of discovering. My home video would be their delights and surprises as they explored new levels of expansion. Later in life I'd show them this video as a reminder of their authentic expansion and not a smiling face responding to a room full of clapping adults. Kids who do things for clapping adults grow up to do the "numb humble" or "aggressive graceful" acceptance speech. This is because you can't be expanding if you are achieving to please others.
It's not the applause of others that helps you expand - it's your purpose, your process and your curiosity.
If you're doing what you do for others then it is others who are the primary "observer" in your life and therefore controlling your life. If these others truly want to see you expand - then that might not be such a bad thing. But being your own "observer" and maintaining a personal desire to expand is all you need get started.
When I work with people on how to connect to their expansion my process is very hands off. I teach them how to trust themselves, how to create their own process and how to identify their personal trail of delights and surprises with playful curiosity.
I also teach them how to see others as mirrors and how to allow mirrors to teach expansion or help identify barriers to expansion. Sometimes I teach them how to play with smoke and mirrors as a way to see through the people in their lives.
For example, If you suddenly receive applause, look at who's clapping and what they are teaching you about yourself. It may seem counter intuitive to observe who is clapping vs. smiling at the clapping but if you know what the audience is mirroring it will make that experience that much more rewarding.
If you suddenly start to achieve results or societally recognized millstones of achievement, take a look at who show up and what they teach you. It can tell you if the result or the milestone was authentic expansion or a sabotaging limitation.
Most importantly - you don't have to worry about achieving your goals if you are in love with your process. Your goals are simply the rudder in the water setting your direction from behind the ship - they are not the process of sailing, the joy of sailing or the reason you are sailing.
Expansion is the reason you are sailing and expansion is your birthright! Everything in nature grows, all on it's own, unless it has limited resources, becomes sick or dies. Humans are no different.
The importance of establishing your own process.
It's perfectly ok to copy what works from others when creating a life expansion process. It's also perfectly fine to seek out experts in areas you want to work on. What is working for others (or "best practices") along with expert opinions are, however, simply training wheels.
Other forms of training wheels include technology, trackers and even data.
None of these are part of sustainable expansion unless they are keeping up with your expansion or are preferred tools within your personal process.
For example, I rarely follow a recipe in the kitchen but at first I did. I may still follow a recipe if I take on a new ingredient or a new cooking technique but it is always with the intent ultimately making it my own. This is because I have chosen cooking to be an expression of my heart and my head and a reflection of my continuous expansion. I don't use timers but I do, however, use knives and have decided to keep those as tools within my personal cooking process. This is what I mean by finding your own process.
If you must follow an exact process, or a practitioner, or even a therapist, find one that genuinely works to liberate you from their process and into a stage of expanding on your own.
The same holds true for leveraging technology, an app or even data.
Remember the saying "teach a man to fish ..."? Well this applies to everything!
Those who truly master their crafts work to eliminate the need for their current contributions and in doing so expand into completely new and yet to be created contributions - in an essence they have embraced their state of expansion.
This is why credentials are not always effective and can sometimes be limiting. I once worked with a Paralegal who insisted he did not need to learn anything else because he was a "Paralegal". In this case he went through the process of earning a credential to justify and express his fear of expanding.
An awesome specialist, doctor, teacher, mentor, leader, therapist, practitioner, parent, prophet, sage, coach, consultant or politician will not leave you dependent upon them and will not stop expanding.
And remember that anyone who imposes their limits on you is projecting their own fear of expansion. You don't have to wear it, though I do encourage honoring personal boundaries. That's how we all expand together safely. :)
